Stateless Bean

Looks like I'm being more and more like Stateless beans when it comes to communication. 

Sometimes you don't get what you want. Sometimes everything happens exactly opposite of what you want. And then God sends very good people around you so that you get the power not to get into miserable state. They sooth you so much, your all wounds get cured automatically. You don't even notice your wounds. And with the new power you think wisely to achieve what you want. Thank you God again for sending good people in difficult moments. You are awesome! ;)

God, please give me a better quality of problems to fix.

Losing importance in my own life!

This phase of my life - being an ordinary woman.

mmm.. can't think of any title!

Movies - I love watching them. but I hate them too. They trigger some hidden feelings which you intentionally buried deep inside your heart. Or they remind you of people you don't want to remember at all. And then why I like them is just watching another movie that fills your heart with exactly counter feelings, can also help to get rid of any sad feelings. That suggests me how impacted we are by movies. Books too, for the same matter. But they have slow effect but sometimes even deeper one.

Respect one's privacy

I hate when someone interferes with my privacy which I don't intend to share. Afterall, I have right to hide things about *my* life. It's my life. I will disclose when it's the right time. Why can't people wait and watch? I'll tell when I'll feel comfortable. As long as you are not involved in the matter, why do you care? I'd appreciate your patience. 

This part of my life, this part right here, is called "playing dirty roles". Unintentionally, but knowingly!

Tangled

I lost my comb and hence I couldn't comb my hair today and nobody even realized. And now I know how badly I comb my hair everyday. :D

Usefulness

Few months ago, I had started getting the feeling of being useless. The work I was doing wasn't inspiring me. And then when this feeling of being useless went on its peak. I accepted that I'm useless and then started moving on. I thought if I can't be useful to anyone, I'd start enjoying myself doing things that I like. Sometimes it is good to accept your weaknesses. That makes you stop thinking over them and start looking for the ways to overcome the feeling. And good thing is that, you just don't overcome that feeling, it also gets you out of the state. So I started doing things that I liked. And later, I realized that I'm not useless anymore. I was useful to myself and automatically I started becoming useful to others too.

Never try to be useful, try to be yourself. That gets you the best out of you to become the best of usefulness.

My Slow Wit

http://rajasen.com/ 

Few days back, I came to know about the above link though a blog. And I tried to check what is so great about it. It was a review of Rockstar. I had liked Rockstar a lot and because it was the movie criticized by most of the people, I did want to read its reviews wherever I could. And I tried reading what this man had written. I was so frustrated/irritated. Not by the content of it. But by his style of writing. For me, his writing is one of the most difficult writings I had ever tried to read. And it's not only language which is difficult; it's his style of writing too. Sometimes he is sarcastic. If you are not getting the meaning words, then it is very difficult to understand the sarcasm. Then sometimes this guy is very fearless and hence so direct in condemning anyone/anything that I can't believe if he really meant that. And I get confused. This increases my frustration again. The content looks very interesting but I'm not able to understand it. I hate myself at such times. Then I start hating this man for making me hate myself. I know I'm becoming too aggressive. But the positive side is, I do want to understand this complexity. I don't want to miss it. And because of this strong desire and my tries, now I've started understanding most of what he writes. And I'm very happy about it. I will recommend it to everyone specially who like to read/write the reviews on movies and books.

And now I liked his review on Shanghai too. Do read it - http://rajasen.com/2012/06/08/review-dibakar-banerjees-shanghai/ 

People have a bad habit of overrating me. When they realize my true potential they unnecessarily start underestimating me. I wish I wasn't that attractive by face, by behavior. I would have been more free.

Yes, it is all childish.. Even writing this post!

From Nov 2010 till today -
- Planned to join GRE classes.
- Got admission, batch 7 to 8.30 in the morning.
- Class at 11.5 kilometers away from home and 16.5 from office.
- How will I be able to manage the travel? It's not Mumbai. -> Decided to buy bike.
- Looked for second hand bikes. Chak! Can't rely on them. -> Decided to buy a new bike.
- Looked for models, asked people, went to show rooms. Decided a model, collected all papers, bought the bike. All alone. (And still people say I can't manage without people. This is a digressing. Come back to the point).
- Learned to drive.
- Learned to drive in Pune.
- Class started. Jan 2011.
- Slept for only 4-5 hours a day. Saturday whenever possible, slept for 10-12 hours. Continued for 3 months. I remember how I would run from class whenever possible, just to get the sleep of one more hour at least that day.
- Journey to class by auto rickshaw. Why? Fear to drive in Pune's traffic. From class to office, PMT zindabaad. No time saving. Repented why I bought the bike.
- Got the permanent license, not so easily. Managed all the fights alone.
- Journey to class by auto rickshaw. Class to home by PMT, get the bike go to office.
- Later, all by bike. No rickshaw, no PMT. Started saving little time. No repenting anymore!
- Class over. March 2011. Started getting sleeps of 6 hours a day. Hush!!
- Product releases started, no time to study. Try every way to save even minutes to study.
- A day came - health went absolutely bad. Physically, mentally.
- Days went.
- Postponed GRE. Hush! Now I can prepare at my own pace. Or I can even drop the plan. No mood to decide it.
- Today - Sleep well! :) No repenting! Learned a lot.

Main jaisa hoon main waisa kyun hoon

Bad loonga main abhi kya  
Maanu toh kya maanu main  
Sudhroonga main kabhi kya  
Ye bhi toh na jaanu main 
Jaane ab mera, hona kya hai (oh)
Lagta hai tumko kya
Jaane ab mera, hona kya hai (oh)
Kya main hoon jaisa bas waisa rahoonga? 

Main aisa kyun hoon -4
Main aisa kyun hoon -3
Main aisa aisa aisa hi hoon

I set a personal record this week. I slept only for 22 hours in total in last 5 days. And looks like next few more days are going to be so. I love being busy like this. I can have a deep sleep at night, even if it is for 4 hours. Also, I see I did quite a lot of things. Looking forward to do still many more things and in a more efficient way! Let's see if I'm a different person than now.

Phulpakharu is getting more colors on its wings now. Maker has suddenly realized that old colors have become dull now and need a change. Lovely! Looks like a new era! Welcome welcome! :)

Wake up Sid again...

Whenever I watch Konkana's first day in Bombay in this movie, I feel motivated. Her definition of independence, her way to get a change in life, her saying - "Apna paisa kamao, apna paisa khud udao", her attitude; everything creates a positive energy within me. I completely agree with her definition of freedom. Also she says - "Dheere dheere sab theek ho jayega!" Isn't it true? Life brings drastic and complicated changes for you. However, everything goes fine as time flies. You change yourself accordingly. Gradually you adapt yourself to the situation. Sometimes you don't want to. You like the past more. But the present is too much different and you can't live by keeping yourself same as you were in the past. So you have to change. You change. Even though you try to resist, you change. Rate of change is more if you face the situation directly rather than keeping yourself away from it.

I believe one should be honest about himself; in every respect. When life changes, if we keep soothing ourselves by distracting away from the truth, we'll never overcome. Instead, we should face it. It troubles us but it makes us accept the truth. And gradually, everything goes fine. We are definitely a different person. But that's the need. That's the way my idol maker wants me to be. :)

Incapable to plan

Disclaimer: All sentences in this post are written with a freedom of every sense which is likely to cause the writing to appear insane. Any resemblance to sanity is purely coincidental.

My life is completely unplanned. Sometimes I feel it like a surprise, like an unexpected gift by Santa Clause. But sometimes goes very weird like an income tax raid. Creates all chaos around, I feel disappointed, upset, sad. Suddenly shadow of pessimism covers me all around. My mind can't bear it and tries to find a way to sooth itself. It reads something good, tries to talk to inspiring friends, watches movies, prays and what not. Sometimes it becomes optimistic again in very short time. Sometimes it takes long time. Then at certain point it gets tired. Then sleeps and wakes up only next day. Next day is new flow. New dawn. Everything new. Like a new paper to draw a new picture. And again with no plan of what to and how to draw the picture, takes the pencil and brush in hand. Everyday it wants a new picture. If it gets it, then it is fine. If not, then it has to be the best picture it had ever drawn.

Enough of soothing... No punctuation, no grammatical restrictions. Feels good sometimes. Let's concentrate on work now! Income tax raid reminds of EPSF. Only 2 days remaining! Zzzzzz....

Too lazy to grow up

Everyone around me has grown up now. And I'm still a kid. :(. Some people talk about career, some talk about making money, some talk about getting married, some talk about learning cooking, and I'm still the same. I had thought my best friend will be same like me and would not talk about marriage and all for next 10 years at least. But now he has also started talking about getting married. :(

Am I worsening?

I went through few of my old posts and I think I was a better writer, better thinker. Usually, whenever one goes through previous posts, he laughs at himself for writing idiotic things. Because as time goes, we improve. In my case I found it other way. So does that mean I have become a worse person? :( Did I stop improving? :(